Ashake’s Diary 9 – Happy Ending?

Ashake's diary

Hello Diary, (Kinda weird that I’ve never felt the need to say hi to you)

So today was awkward, and something unexpected happened (sad face). I am not one to believe in miracles because if miracles were real Toks would have vanished from earth 6 years ago when she decided to cut off some of my hair because her doll needed hair nappy hair extensions.

Anyway, we had a test today in class, which I aced (adjusts nerd glasses) and Ify wasn’t present for the test, weird! My mind was probably playing tricks on me because I could swear that I saw Ify this morning. I kept thinking to myself that Ify surely is smarter than this, she knows how much trouble she could get into for skipping class. Then it occurred to me that this could probably be the universe telling me to find her and snitch my discovery to the principal, interesting!

During my search, I bumped into Simi on my way to the bathroom and I literally almost jumped out of my skin, Simi might have forgiven me but she hadn’t forgotten so I always tried to keep myself out of her way. However, instead of the utter disgust, Simi would usually bless me with, she simply pushed past me.

I got to the bathroom and it was deathly quiet, so I figured I could freshen up right before I continued my search.  I’m a typical scaredy cat, but this was my school so I figured I was safe. As I bent to splash some water on my face I heard a tiny squeak, I felt a presence behind me.  I turned in fear, at that moment I was ready to scream my lungs out, then I saw that it was Ify standing behind me looking like a soaked sponge.

It was obvious that she had been crying, about what? I couldn’t believe it. I had to be the worst person to find her like this, I tried to be happy but that emotion was on vacation. “What’s wrong ?” Ify didn’t say anything she just kept crying and at some point, I had to hug her, it was so uncomfortable, why me? Instead of putting her in this situation, here I was comforting her, shame on me!

Apparently, Ify just lost her mum and had to go live with her dad, she had asked Simi earlier if she could move in with her, but Simi declined, on the grounds that her parents wouldn’t allow it. To be honest, I didn’t care much for Ify, I was upset with myself for being the unfortunate person that happened to be in this unfortunate bathroom during this unfortunate crisis.

Anyway, I tried to calm her down and get her to the school counselor’s office for some advise, and maybe help, I wasn’t even going to suggest she move in with me. We got to the counselor’s office and I left Ify there and went back to class. A few hours later school closed and I put the incident behind me and also tried not to mention it to anyone. I didn’t want anyone talking me into showing compassion (which I have always considered a disease by the way).

I got home after hanging at my friend’s place for a few hours and saw bags in the hallway, I knew my Aunt Bola was coming over, but the boxes looked too girly for my sophisticated aunt. My questions were answered in seconds when I saw Ify in the living room with my mum and Toks (I can’t even call her my sister, so evil).

Apparently, Toks told my mum Ify’s story and my mum decided against her better judgement to do something about it. Since Ify’s dad didn’t want her, by default I had a new and improved Toks living in my house. Ify then looked up at me and smiled, and I could swear I saw fangs instead of teeth.

Ify mentioned that my mum’s kindness and support was a miracle, and a plan ordained by God, I don’t quite agree. It might be a miracle for her, but I’m sure it’s a nightmare for me. I said nothing and climbed up the stairs weakly, my life was about to turn upside down. Funny how I was the only one who could see it coming, sadly, the strength to control the outcome evaded me. Why me!

Ashake’s Diary 8 – Girl Like Toks

Ashake's diary

I woke up with a smile on my face, today was definitely going to be a good day. I showered and hopped into the car, I kept humming as my mum drove Toks and me to school. In all honesty, I had no reason to be in a good mood, I was notorious in school, even though it wasn’t deliberate, it wasn’t the best either. Everyone hated me, even my own sister Toks.

I was older but Toks was bigger, prettier, smarter and more vicious. She was loved by everyone in school and quite frankly I resented that. Toks was friends with most of the seniors in school so she was always invited to their exclusive parties, I always wanted to attend one, but no one wanted me there. “Like I care!” Sadly I do care.

Sigh! I strolled into class, took my seat and could immediately feel Ify staring at me with so much venom. Yes! I ruined her little love story, but really, what did she expect after beating me up? I tried as much as possible to ignore her as I brought my books out. Miss Are was her usual boring self, I kept staring at her and wondering what motivated her career choice.

I walked into the cafeteria during our lunch break and saw Ify and Toks chatting away. What are the odds? My annoying sister and nemesis becoming best friends, but why me? To be very honest, I wasn’t very surprised, right from her birth, a year and a half after mine, making me miserable was how she relaxed. Little did I know that everything she had done to me in the past wasn’t compared to what she was about to do to me today.

We had our Physical Education class (Sports) after our lunch break, and it was mandatory for everyone to change into their sports wear. I hurriedly changed and rushed to join everyone on the field.

I noticed everyone was looking at me funny including Mr Diji our sports teacher, but I assumed it was as a result of my notoriety. Little did I know that Toks (on Ify’s orders) loosened the seams at the back of my shorts, weird how I didn’t notice it when I wore it. Usually, when we have P.E everyone rushes to sit at the back, so if you’re late “HELLO FRONT ROW.” So as I sat down everyone, I mean everyone saw all my delicates.

Physically I looked younger and smaller than my age, my skinny arms didn’t help my case as well. So to get my school uniform to fit I would normally wear shorts and some extra clothes underneath. Toks knew this obviously and felt that Ify should know.

Toyo, an annoying boy in my class said “denim bum’’ out loud and everyone burst into laughter including me (why didn’t I shut up). When everyone saw me laughing, they even laughed louder. I could swear I saw Mr Diji chuckle, Simi then said: “Ashake you do know they are laughing at you, go to the bathroom and look at your shorts.” A shiver went down my spine, If I was white, I am sure I would be red. Toyo then went as far as taking pictures and sending it to people in school, I swear, in minutes people were walking by the field to see the “denim bum” girl with their own eyes.

I don’t remember my trip to the bathroom, but I remember everyone laughing and pointing at me, calling me “denim bum” and some other mean classmates saying they are sure I store my bad attitude in the pockets.

I sat in the bathroom and cried in frustration, why me! Ify came into the bathroom under the guise that she wanted to help me out, then proceeded to tell me how and why she did it. Staring at her at that moment I wanted so bad to hurl some vile words at her, but fear held me back, knowing Ify, this was just the beginning and with Toks by her side, I was finished.

I reported Toks to my mum when we got home, but mom would hear none of it, apparently what I was saying sounded like something I would do, not her perfect Toks! I went to bed upset, and I kept thinking and plotting. If I was going to win this battle, I had to think like Toks.




by Yejide Erogbogbo

Ashake’s Diary 7 – Ify’s Diary

Ashake's diary


“Why can’t you ever do anything right, you’re not better than your father ” screamed Ify’s mother, “I wasn’t the one attracted to him ” Ify retorted, this earned her a slap.**

** For many years, I wondered why my mum hated me so much, then I realized that it wasn’t me she hated, but herself. My dad was married and he cheated on his wife with my mum, and my mum wasn’t over the fact that he didn’t want her again. I really don’t blame him, my mum was wrong for trying to break his home. Everything still hurt, even with this conclusion, but I have always tried to block it out by getting myself involved in school and hanging out with my friends.

When I met Steven, he was everything to me, always listened to me, and he never failed to compliment me. I couldn’t wait for him to be my first kiss, even though we weren’t dating yet, I was anxious.

You can imagine my joy this afternoon at lunch when he asked me to be his girlfriend with a cute handwritten note. I screamed with joy, at that moment I guess he was all I wanted. We planned to have our first kiss as soon as possible. My sweet Steven found a romantic spot in school for us to kiss later in the day, our plan was in motion. Finally, my dreams were going to come true, which was rare.

I daydreamed till school closed for the day, I was just so excited, I couldn’t believe I was finally going to kiss Steven. I ran out of class after the closing bell to meet Steven, and we proceeded to our “Spot”. Steven was a dream, He gave me another card to celebrate our impending kiss, then we proceeded to get it over with.

“What Rubbish, not in my school ” I turned to see the principal and some teachers glaring at Steven and me, I was shocked. How did they find us? My question was answered quickly as I saw my ‘nemesis’ Ashake. I was dumbfounded. This girl must really hate me. Well, I have beaten her up in the past,  but she wasn’t the only one. This was just too low. The “snake” was actually happy, I made up my mind to deal with her. When I saw how much trouble I was getting into my love for Steven suddenly became non-existent. He wasn’t worth all this trouble, I resented him so much at that moment.

I kept thinking to myself how much Ashake was going to pay for this, I didn’t  know how or when, but she would. While my mother screamed at me at home, I zoned out and began to plot my next move. I would hit back when she least expects!


Ashake’s Diary 6 – Fight Over Steven

Ashake's diary

ASHAKE!!!! My mum screamed. I was late yet again to school. I jumped out of bed and threw on some clothes, and off to school, I went. I had obviously not had my bath; I was probably looking dishevelled, in fact, that was my worst look to school. I rushed into school, running to my class in panic, just then I bumped into someone.
I looked up to see who I had bumped into; it was Steven (the senior in my school I had a crush on). ‘‘NOT TODAY, NOT IN THIS STATE’’, I screamed in my head, I ran off to class without even saying sorry, ‘‘after all he wouldn’t recognize me’’ I thought.

However, all the girls in class gathered during lunch break to gossip as usual, and I overheard Ify telling them that she had her eyes on a senior named Steven. ‘‘WHAT’’ I panicked, my evil mind crept out yet again. I had to think of a plan if not Ify was going to get Steven. My day was just great, I wondered how different my life would be if Ify didn’t exist.

The next day I got to school, and guess who was waiting for me in front of the school gate, ‘’STEVEN’’, ‘’this was going to be so easy’’. I thought. I walked up to him in a self- assured manner, and waved at him, he waved back, but it wasn’t at me I realized, instead it was at someone behind me. I turned in surprise, and saw Ify, ‘O YES’! Ify waving and smiling back like a frigging Barbie.

I walked into class that morning, downcast, dejected, basically, any word you could think of. I could not believe in my wildest imaginations that Steven could be interested in Ify. She might be light skinned but that gave her no right to be worthy of Steven’s affections. I had to act fast, and time wasn’t on my side.

I plastered a fake smile on my face and asked a few of my classmates about Ify and Steven. From their disorganized blabber,  I found out Steven had not asked Ify to be his girl friend yet. Perfect ! I had until the end the day to think of a plan, and I was determined.

After our morning class with boring Miss Ade, I saw Ify scribble something into her diary. Curiosity got the best of me, and I patiently waited till she went to the bathroom, I stole her diary and read through as fast as I could. As I already suspected, She wrote about Steven and how she couldn’t wait for him to ask her to be his girlfriend so they could have their first kiss, “slut”.

During our lunch break, Steven and Ify ate together and kept on throwing yucky glances at each other. I knew this because I  kept following them closely at a safe distance, like the crazy person I am. Steven asked her to be his girlfriend, using a silly card he made for her. You really don’t need to know how I got to read the contents of the card. I couldn’t believe it, I was livid.

My plan was simple, drastic but still simple. From my creepy investigations, I found out they planned on meeting behind the school cafeteria, to have their first kiss.

“Who kisses her less than 24 hours boyfriend ? “. This wasn’t going to happen on my watch.

So I went to the principal’s office, yes, principal’s office, I could not risk any teacher forgiving them, or giving them a second chance. I had to ruin everything once and for all. I told the principal everything I heard, acting like I was worried that Steven might take advantage of Ify , the “amebo” woman took my word for it. She even sympathized with me and said I was a good friend.

After school, Ify and Steven went to their “hidden” spot, and the Principal signalled for three teachers to follow her. They caught them just as they were about to lock their lips in an over-rated fashion. The look on Ify’s face was priceless, and at that moment everything I had suffered in Ify’s hands and all the trouble I had been gotten into because of her was worth it. She definitely knew I was the snitch, but I didn’t care. If I couldn’t have Steven, neither could she.

Ify and Steven got into so much trouble, both in school and at home. And for that school year, I was labelled a snitch, but I really didn’t care, I got what I wanted and that was enough for me.



Yejide Erogbogbo

Ashake’s Diary 5 – Triumph Over Ify

Ashake's diary

It took the whole school a month to stop talking about my fight with Ify (more like the beating Ify gave me); even my mother could not stop laughing at me. I walked into class sober this morning, ready for the day ahead. I had not even settled in when Miss Bamire (My class teacher) walked into class and announced that we were having a test. “TEST!!” I screamed in my mind, I had not even read anything, in fact, I didn’t know anything except for the topic we were taught last week (when I say topic, I mean only the topic, not what it entailed).

We cleared our books away and sat still for the test, when I looked around, everyone looked relaxed except me. I was still trying to calm down when Miss Bamire suddenly added that, the test would be marked in class, and everyone’s score would be announced to the class, starting from the lowest.

Miss Bamire distributed the question sheets, we had five questions to answer, all “fill in the gap.” As I looked at the first question I began sweating, my whole life practically flashed before my eyes, I was utterly clueless. So as to avoid any embarrassment, I calmly stretched my neck for some answers in my classmate’s script, luckily for me, a few answers flew in the air (God bless my classmates) as well. After fifteen minutes, Miss Bamire collected our scripts.

I sat on my seat calmly, as Miss Bamire marked all our scripts; I knew I had nothing to anticipate, except failure. Miss Bamire stood up and announced with a smile on her face, “the student who scored the lowest in this test is (I stood up already) IFY OKONKWO ‘’ I jumped up screaming with joy (to the dismay of the class), yes! That served her right. “SIT DOWN ASHAKE” Miss Bamire said with a frown on her face.

I smiled at Ify who was throwing daggers at me with her eyes; I obviously knew I was going to leave class before everyone (for my own protection). Miss Bamire announced that I was the third highest in class (I was shocked).  I guess this was just my day. As soon as I heard the closing bell, I ran out before Ify even packed her books (I was still under treatment from the last beating).


Ashake’s Diary 4 – Most Embarrassing School Day II

Ashake's diary

So after the beating, I got from Ify, I made it a point of duty not to cross her part the next week. I mean I had a black eye, some swellings on my face, and I figured if I still wanted my teeth complete, I should avoid her.
We were all in class that morning when Mrs Obi (arts and performance teacher), walked in to announce that the audition for the school’s Talent Show was going to be held that afternoon.

As I sat, I thought of all the possible things I could not do, which was to sing (I’m a terrible singer), dance (let’s not even go there), or play an instrument (obviously not). All I could do was talk, cause trouble, break relationships up, and let’s not forget get beaten up. So I made up my mind there, to simply ruin whatever Ify had planned, that was easier.

I sneaked into the school hall where the audition was taking place, with a can of oil which I stole from the school kitchen. Reliable sources had told me that Ify was going to dance, and she was the first on the list, so all I had to do was search for the shoes that Ify was to use to dance, paint the sole with oil, and drizzle a bit on stage, so that she would fall and embarrass herself.

I quickly made my way backstage with my can, and got to work; after I was through I smiled and left. Ify as usual, strolled in from the bathroom where she went to change, talking. She was called to the stage when she got there; she had the confidence of a peacock.

She began her routine with so much enthusiasm, however, when she got to the part of the stage where I had poured oil; she slipped and fell on her butt. I guess I over did it when I laughed out because everyone turned to stare at me. I also didn’t know that I didn’t close my can after using it, so as I was walking out of the hall the oil was dripping behind me. And Mrs Obi saw it and called me, as I turned to answer her; I slipped and fell flat on my swollen face (The Irony).

I got caught (again) for my lack of intelligence, was punished, and made to apologise to Ify in front of the whole school. That day, I suddenly knew what it meant to have a taste of my own medicine, and I didn’t like it.


Erogbogbo Yejide

Ashake’s Diary 3 – Most Embarrassing School Day

Ashake's diary

FRIDAY! My best day of the week was finally here. I felt ecstatic as I went to school that morning. The weekend was around the corner, I had my mini holiday planned out, movies all weekend (pirated movies, unfortunately) and nothing else. It came to me as no surprise when I met a rowdy class. My teacher Miss Bamire claimed she had a headache (as usual), so Miss Are (an annoying substitute teacher) was replacing her.

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t expect Ify (class Amebo) to be in the mood to practice her trade this morning, with me as her main victim. I sincerely don’t know how Ify got an embarrassing picture of me when I was little (probably from my sister, TOKS!!!!). All I know is that she was passing it around class, and everyone was laughing.

She then went on to tell the class stupid stories about me, all in my presence (the nerve!!!!!). She was obviously good because she got the whole class laughing. I sat there on my seat boiling in anger. ‘’how dare she?’’ I thought.


In case you missed.

Ashake’s Diary 1 – Trouble With Miss Ade

Ashake’s Diary 2 – Operation Break Simi and Dj Up


Suddenly I stood up in anger, and charged towards Ify, giving her a nasty slap across the face; little did I know that I was in for it. Ify was not soft at all. She pulled me by my hair (short hair. He he!), to the front of the class, and started her torture by first serving me four dirty slaps. Then she proceeded to punch, kick, and bite me.

My annoying classmates cheered her on, as she used my face to clean the board, even Miss Are stood there and watched in fascination as I was been ridiculed ( I’m sure she wished she was the one doing it to me).

After Ify was through showing me who was the boss, she continued laughing with my class mates and telling them even more embarrassing stories of me. As I sat there thinking about my life, staring at Ify ( who I had killed in my mind a thousand times), I thought of my tarnished reputation, and at that moment I knew I had nothing to lose. So I walked up to Ify, slapped her again while screaming in her face “DO YOUR WORST” at the top of my voice.

Well!! I think you know what happened next.

I was beaten black and blue. I stood up with the little strength I could muster, picked up my bag and took a painful stroll back home, distance didn’t even matter at this point. Toks had a field day telling everyone at home what happened, she exaggerated of course. Thinking about it, I don’t think she did at all.


Erogbogbo Yejide

Ashake’s Diary 2 – Operation Break Simi and DJ Up

Ashake's diary

So I got into a lot of trouble with Miss Ade last week. I was smart enough not to cross her path over the past few days. But that was by far the least of my problems. DJ (Deji) my crush for the past two months just asked Simi, my classmate to be his girlfriend ” like hell, if I let this happen.” My aim presently was to break them up. All I needed was the perfect plan.

I mean, I surely am attractive, so I’ve been told. Simi was short and chubby, far from cute. She had nothing on me. My plan A was to kill Simi and hide her body (He he !! Dumb). Plan b was to turn the two of them against each other, this by far was a better plan.

So the next day I went to school with high hopes, my plan was in motion. I borrowed Simi’s phone from her locker that morning for a few minutes when she left class and texted DJ, saying that ” I (not Simi) didn’t think anything could work out between us.” DJ obviously walked into class that morning looking distraught, and as a nice girl, I gave him a shoulder to cry on.


In case you missed.

Ashake’s Diary 1 – Trouble With Miss Ade


DJ poured his heart out, (obviously thinking I cared), I simply told him to forget her, and move on. Simi entered the class looking confused. She tried to talk to DJ, but he walked out on her. Lucky for us, our teacher turned in sick again, so we were free that morning. Simi came to me as well, asking for advice; I obviously told her point blank, that DJ did not like her, telling her I was sure he was out to use her. Simi took my word for it and accepted fate.

Unfortunately for me, Ify (Amebo of the class) saw me take Simi’s phone that morning (I still don’t know how). All I know is that the whole class had a field day calling me names. And I had to endure Simi and DJ throwing angry stares at me all day. I left class immediately I heard the sound of the closing bell.

When I got home, my lousy sister, Toks (Tokunbo) who heard my escapade in school didn’t waste any time telling everyone at home. I had to endure a long talk from my mum and dad about life and the choices we make. After that, I made up my mind never to play smart. DJ wasn’t my only crush anyway. I still had Steven (a senior in my school). With a smile on my face, I knew Plan C was in motion.


Yejide Erogbogbo



Ashake’s Diary 1 – Trouble with Miss Ade

Ashake's diary

”DARN! I so can’t believe I am late again, wasn’t my alarm meant to go off at 6 am”, I thought.

ASHAKE, COME DOWN” my mum screamed.
What the hell am I going to tell my teacher went wrong today? I pulled on some clothes and rushed downstairs, no time to bath, jumped into the car, and off to school, I went.

I got to class and my teacher was nowhere to be found. My day was just great. As I was about to bask in her absence, Miss Ade, my most hated teacher (because I hated so many teachers), walked in. She announced to us that she would be our teacher for the day. ‘WTH’ I almost screamed.

As usual Miss Ade released her ‘heart-broken for-no-reason fury’ on us; like it was our fault she was still single at 30. Hating on the boys and trying to make us, girls, feminists. As usual, we all ignored her attacks and kept our mouths shut.

“ASHAKE’’ Miss Ade suddenly called out, “what was the last thing I said?” I just stood up and stared at her blankly. ”You stupid girl, you are the type of girl guys would use and dump at will.”  I sincerely didn’t know where all my courage came from to reply her saying ”oh!! Is that why you are still single?.” All my classmates gasped, I knew I was in for it.