After the Breakup What Next

People break up for different reasons. However, many people are confused after their breakup on what step to take next, while others claim to know what’s coming.

Do they really know what’s coming, or are they bluffing?

My Opinion – I feel in the quest to move on quickly a lot of people don’t grieve properly, and this act in itself is self-destructive. Let’s talk about the mind, body and spirit connection; the mind means mental improvement, the body is physical improvement and the spirit involves getting closer to your maker (God). Once these three align your heart break journey will be healthier and more productive.

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Grieving is an important process, however “who grief epp?”

Please Share Your Thoughts.

Between Love and Forgiveness by David Imogie

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Over the years I have come to the conclusion that a lot of people know the word Love, but have no clue as to the true meaning of love. My friend Sheila asked me the other day, “Is it possible to love someone and then find it difficult to forgive them?”

 This simple question got me thinking about a lot of things. How can you love someone and not forgive them when they hurt you? Even though whatever the person did to you is “unforgivable” from any rational point of view, is the emotional turmoil really worth it in the end?

Most religions preach love and forgiveness, (well mine does), but how many people actually follow these teachings. I know it sounds cool to think someone should pay for every wrong they have done, well, you are right, but I’m sure you prefer peace of mind over any trouble, and that can be achieved only through forgiveness.

If you love someone, there is really nothing to forgive, it is all boundless, there are no rules or apologies. We must learn to forgive to be able to love the right way. On the other hand, we claim forgiveness when in reality we haven’t really forgotten, and at intervals we use the wrong doing to mock our partners. This isn’t forgiveness and this also never really ends well most times.

I remember a friend telling me “forgiveness is a virtue of only the brave.” Thinking about it now, I feel like a brave person breaking into a sphere only few people make conscious effort to access and then go ahead to subdue.

Our relationships would be better if we love and forgive relentlessly.

Afterthought: if you paid close attention you’d notice the frequent occurrence of ‘WE’ , no one is perfect, we all strive.

by

David Imogie

“Damn You White Soup” by Badejoko Momoh

I have always wanted to marry an Igbo business man regardless of cultural differences and what my family would say. In fact, I was ready to elope as soon as the right man appeared, “yes I was that determined.” So imagine how I felt when the realization that I might not be able to marry one was suddenly dumped on me. I know you are confused so I will start from the very beginning.

Asides from wanting to marry an Igbo man, I have always been a foodie, my love for food is next to none and the only meal I could say no to are slimy looking meals. I pride myself on being able to eat anything delicious.

So last night, my beautiful sister was kind and thoughtful enough to buy me food from a popular restaurant in Lagos, the aroma swept past my nostrils as I opened it and my mouth water began to water. Then she told me it was pounded yam and white soup which is an Igbo soup and the restaurant she bought it from makes one of the best in Lagos. Because I had not had pounded yam (not poundo yam) in a long time and with a soup from my future husband’s tribe, I immediately dug In.

I will never forget the taste of that soup, the beef, mushrooms amidst others and I must say white soup is one soup I would never willingly taste again. My sister not knowing the mental battle I was fighting ( I had to keep eating for fear of her not buying food for me again) started telling me about how this is one of the favourite soups of the Igbos and she went on to tell me how it was prepared. I wasn’t really listening but as soon as I heard yam, I made my choice. Never again!

Now my dilemma; will my Igbo husband mind that I can’t stand white soup, not to talk of cooking it? Will he still shower me with care and affection or put me in charge of all his business ventures if he realizes I won’t kiss him on the days he eats white soup? This is my current dilemma.

Damn you white soup, now there is something I don’t eat.

 

By Badejoko Momoh

TO THE MAN I THOUGHT WAS THE ONE

dream man

This write-up by Badejoko Momoh is so genuine and heartfelt, and I literally “awwed” while reading it. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did. 

Enjoy!

dream man

We had so many good times, is it the way we would listen to your favorite love song over and over again at night till we fall asleep or the way you hug and carry me each time we see or the way you bought me so many teddy bears so I would always think about you when we weren’t together and I wouldn’t forget how you got me cake every week those first few months because you wanted to celebrate every week of our love or the way you called me bunny because of my big ears.

Loving you was the best thing that happened to me, not because you were my first love but because you taught me things I would never have learnt from anyone else. You taught me how to love beyond imperfections; you are the most flawed person I know and I loved you still, I loved you through your mood swings, I loved you even when you called the names of other women while sleeping, and I still loved you when you slapped me that one time in the presence of your friend.

You taught me patience; Do you remember those nights when you would come home drunk and I would still pour you another drink and listen to you point out all the things you don’t like about me and I wouldn’t say a word? I was actually waiting for the sleeping pills I put in your drink to take effect. I came to realize I loved you better when you were asleep.

Another thing you taught me was how to forgive; I always forgave you for the things you say and do to me when you are not in your loving state. Remember when you transferred money from my bank account telling me you borrowed it to fix your car? I didn’t even get angry, neither did I have the nerve to ask you for it back.

The most important lesson I learnt from you was how important it was for me to love myself if I did then, I probably would have left you earlier but thanks to Ajoke who gave me that book on self-love. The first thing I realized was living with you without being your wife was wrong and even though it took me several weeks to stop missing you and crying myself to sleep, I am proud to say I no longer love you and I am gradually learning to love myself.

by

Badejoko Momoh

 

 

What Is It Like to Be in an Open Marriage? 1 Woman Shares Her Story

This might be a long read for some, but it’s definately worth it.

12424749_1513687682273652_365777562_nSara and Ben (names have been changed) are a happily married, millennial couple in an open relationship. We reached out to Sara to share some insight into their journey to polyamory, the ground rules they’ve set, and what it’s like to date other people — and maybe even fall in love with other people — when you’re already married to someone you love.

How long have you been with your husband?

We’ve been together for nine years. We met on our first day of college — I was determined to break out of my nerdy shell and sit next to the cutest person in the room. I was really drawn to Ben. He ended up being super quiet and thus I was convinced that he hated me, but in actuality, he was just nervous (and a soft-spoken person). We became friends, and the rest is history.

When did you decide to have an open relationship?

We started talking about being monogamish (which later evolved into full-blown polyamory, haha) about two years into our relationship. Seven years ago.

Who initiated it? How did the conversation go?

Ben is an open-minded person who has never been a big believer in social constructions or tradition. I am a bit more of a rule follower, but definitely liberal and nonjudgmental. He brought up the idea of him being comfortable with me casually dating other people early on in our relationship. He knew that he was my first boyfriend (I was 18), and he didn’t want me to feel like I was missing out on dating. We talked about nonmonogamy in theory for a long time (two years?) before ever acting on it. In hindsight, I feel like this gave me time to get used to the idea and for us to build a solid foundation. One of my biggest takeaways from our relationship (and from hearing about other couple’s open relationships) is that a successful nonmongamous relationship centers on honest communication and a strong connection between the couple.

How would you describe your relationship?

Our relationship has evolved over time, but the constant has been how close we are with one another. We’ve been consistently super happy together for almost a decade! The other constant is that since becoming “monogamish” (and eventually, “poly”), we’ve always dated separately.

At first, we were monogamous (I was 18 and didn’t know much about any other relationship structures). Ben mentioned that he would be comfortable with me casually dating other people early on in our relationship, and it was then something we talked about every once in a while for a few years. These conversations were happy and exploratory. When we graduated college (and moved in together), I met someone who I could see myself dating. Ben was comfortable with me exploring it, and I casually went on a few dates. From there, we talked about opening the relationship on his end as well, and I was surprised by how nonjealous I felt. We took it really slow (lots and lots of conversation) and occasionally dated outside of our relationship. As time went on, the “casual” piece has become less and less important. I dated someone for over a year, and the consistency (and depth) was really nice. Ben was fully supportive — in fact, he prefers when I date someone longer term, because he trusts that I’m safe (dating new people can feel scary — you never know who might be a creep!). He has been seeing two women for about eight months, and again I am surprised by how normal it feels.

Logistically, we tend to see the other people we’re dating (if we’re dating other people) about once a week. I have an incredibly busy career (whereas Ben’s is more mellow), so he might go on two dates a week (almost always during times when I am busy anyways). I am super picky and not always seeing someone, but when I am, I like to see them once a week. In the past I have spent the night at a boyfriend’s house, but Ben has not spent the night anywhere.

Do you ever get jealous? Does he?

Making the other person feel valued and primary is extremely important to Ben and me. This really helps minimize jealousy. We spend most of our free time together and try to be intentional about the quality of that time (e.g. putting our phones away and actually connecting). We’ve both acknowledged that if our foundation wasn’t strong, we would probably feel more jealousy.

We shared a big laugh when we realized just how weird/unusual it is for a husband to comfort his wife about her breakup with a boyfriend.

Do you have ground rules? If so, what are they?

The biggest rule is communication — we try hard to balance respect for our other partners’ privacy with open communication between the two of us. We are also always honest with the people we are dating. Everyone knows right off the bat that we are happily married, and thus not looking for a lifelong commitment. We also feel strongly about treating the people we date with respect and care (and expect to be treated the same). It makes me really happy (but also disappointed) that several of the women Ben has dated have said that he is the kindest, most respectful man they’ve been with.

This isn’t a rule but more of a practice: we have not met one another’s partners in the past. This might also help minimize jealousy. Not meeting one another’s partners also allows each of us to have an identity outside of our marriage, which is nice. However, we’re both open to meeting someone the other person is dating if they felt strongly about it.

Another big (and hopefully obvious) rule is condoms. We believe in safe sex for everyone, not just open couples!

Have you fallen in love with someone you’ve dated?

Yes — I’ve been in love with one other person. It was not the same as the deep love I feel for Ben, but it was fun and meaningful. Ben didn’t feel threatened and was an amazing source of support when we eventually broke up. We shared a big laugh when we realized just how weird/unusual it is for a husband to comfort his wife about her breakup with a boyfriend. Ben hasn’t fallen in love with anyone (he is a private person, and the women he is dating are not looking for serious relationships). If he did fall in love, I don’t think it would bother me. We both feel strongly that our relationships with other people don’t take away from how we feel about each other.

Do your friends or family know?

My sister (who is also my best friend) and her husband know, which is extremely helpful. Finally telling them was a massive relief. I felt like I was living a double life for a while there, which I hated. We’ve also told a few close friends, all of whom have been awesome and supportive. The idea of telling our parents makes us both want to poop our pants, and thus will never happen (nor does it need to). I’m not particularly close with the rest of my family, so there is really no need to tell them.

This past year, we’ve been trying to tell new friends early on, because it is much less awkward. This has been a great strategy! We tend to attract open-minded people into our lives, so no one has had a terrible response thus far.

What type of guys do you go for? Are they similar or different than your husband?

I tend to be attracted to older men, which is different from Ben (he is only a couple of months older than I am). My long-term boyfriend was hilariously similar to Ben in some ways (both surfers, they liked similar bands and movies, similar styles of dress, etc.).

What type of women does your husband go for? Are they similar to you or different?

Ben tends to go for women who are a bit more free-spirited than I am — which is fine by me! He can go camping with them while I enjoy the comfort of a real bed. The women he dates do tend to be intellectual like I am. They sound like awesome people who I could easily be friends with.

How has this arrangement helped your relationship?

I am 100 percent convinced that being in an open relationship has made our relationship better. We’ve honestly become closer through sharing our dating experiences with one another. We’ve always had an awesome sex life, and it’s fun to be able to have sexual experiences outside of the relationship (it takes a lot of pressure for us to be all things for the other person).

Do you have kids or plan on having kids? How will this affect your decision to have an open relationship?

We’re unsure about kids but would probably be monogamous during the baby phase (only because of time constraints). Our biggest commitment to one another is to keep talking honestly and continually reevaluating the structure of our relationship. Originally we weren’t sure if we were going to be nonmonogamous for 10 minutes, or 10 years. It’s all about making sure we’re both happy. We’re so grateful to have found one another and joke that we’re two little aliens in love. We don’t know if our relationship will always be open, but we do feel strongly that we’ll be together.

 

This article originally appeared on Popsugar.

A Look Back at Beyoncé and Jay Z’s Most Stylish Couple Moments Yet

Beyoncé and Jay-Z are celebrating their ninth wedding anniversary today, and we couldn’t think of a better way to honour the power couple than to remember with pleasure their most stylish moments together.

Whether they’re sitting courtside at a basketball game, strolling the streets of Paris, vacationing on a yacht off the Mediterranean coast, or taking the stage together, we can count on both to always deliver fresh ensembles that stay true to their personal style. Beyoncé never strays too far from the glamour, even off-duty, and Jay can pull off a tux with as much ease (and charisma) as he can a pair of jeans and sneakers.

Without further ado, keep reading to witness Beyoncé and Jay Z’s most stylish moments to date.

 

Thanks for reading.

9 Reasons I Think Every Couple Should Go to Marriage Counseling Before Saying “I Do”

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When I met Mr Amazing, or Mr A (a nickname I gave my husband after meeting him since he was the most amazing man I had met besides my dad), it took us only two dates before we decided we never wanted to be apart. We said “I love you” six weeks later, went on an epic trip to Asia, and fell in love with each other’s families, and after 11 months, we were engaged.

It’s our whirlwind romance that felt like a dream. But despite all of the perfect feelings, we decided early on into our courtship to talk about the tough topics and ask the hard questions. And because having a full, healthy, lifelong marriage is something both of us are very serious about, soon after getting engaged, Mr A and I decided to go to marriage counselling. We knew we wanted to make it a top priority to build a solid foundation for our future together before the big day and we also respected enlisting the help of a professional.

In a lot of ways, we spent more time planning our marriage than we did our wedding. Over the course of nine months, we made it our mission to prepare for our sacred union. This included writing and creating our family mission statement, sharing our goals and expectations, and going on a weekend engaged couples retreat through our church.

Here are our nine crucial topics we covered and why I think going to marriage counselling before the big day will save you from couples therapy later.

1. The Past Is the Past . . . or Is It?

One of the first exercises we did during our couples retreat was share our past, and I’m not talking about exes. We each had to complete a series of questions about our childhood and our upbringing and then discuss them together. This included how we were raised, how we were disciplined, our parents’ relationships, how arguments were resolved in our houses, and how we were shown love as a child. This was really interesting because we learned how one’s childhood and how they were brought up affects and shapes how we are as adults, including how we act in relationships and even how we parent. Even if you think you know how your significant other’s upbringing was, you learn so much from each other by exchanging stories.

2. Do You Know Each Other’s Love Language?

We took Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages Quiz a couple months into dating to learn how we express and receive love. I learned I like to hear Words of Affirmation while Mr A wants Quality Time and my undivided attention. Knowing each other’s love language allows you to understand how your significant other interprets love and how they accept love. For example, if your love language is Acts of Service, this means having someone clean the dishes might mean more to you than receiving a gift.

3. Money Talks

Having a neutral space where you can discuss money, credit scores, and spending is key to keeping an open line of communication about your financial future. How much money did either of us feel comfortable spending without letting the other know? How would we divide household expenses and bills? For my husband and I, we decided to create a family account while still keeping each of our individual accounts worked best for us. I found myself really enjoying the time we spent creating our budget, including prioritising spending to reach our goal of buying a home.

4. Rules of the Household

If everyone knows his or her job, there’s less of a chance that you will argue over spilt milk. I’ve spent hours listening to friends complain about their husbands who never put their dishes in the dishwasher, etc. What that has taught me is how important it is that everyone knows their role in the home. For example, Mr A usually is on dinner duty during the week because he gets home before me, but on the weekends I usually try to cook for us.

5. Future Parenting

By the time Mr A and I were engaged, we had already discussed when we wanted to start a family, but we weren’t exactly on the same page. He already had names for our future children while I thought we would wait a while. This is also the man who wanted to get married six months after getting engaged while I thought we’d wait a year, so I should have known! After we discussed becoming parents with our marriage counsellor, we learned that we were more on the same page than we thought and reached a compromise.

6. Fighting Fair

I hate fighting; people screaming at each other stresses me out. I’m the kind of person that wants to apologise and make up immediately. Mr A, on the other hand, needs space and time. We’ve both adapted to each other’s needs, but this was only after hearing each other’s point of view. Writing letters to one another explaining how we felt during and after a fight and reading them to each other after things cooled off helped, too. Keep in mind you could meet with the counselor days or weeks after the fight so you’re no longer upset, but it helps you resolve the problem, figure out how to handle future conflict, and move on.

7. Family (the In-Laws) Boundaries

Both of us are extremely close to our families, but as our relationship grows and as we start our own new family, it’s important to keep the relationship we have together separate from our immediate families. This is especially crucial when it comes to running our household or how we will parent one day. When you’re close to your family, it’s easy to share things with them and include them in decision making. However, discussing family boundaries is important for maintaining your own privacy while keeping an open line of communication.

8.Social Life

We have my friends, his friends, and our friends. When you add family and work social obligations, it leaves little time for “us.” Figuring out how to prioritize time for each other takes work and it also means having to say “no” to others sometimes. However, a healthy balance is when Mr. A gets his boys nights and I have my girl time. A solution we came up with to make time for our friends without sacrificing time with one another is to spend time with our friends when the other is busy. Plus, we are lucky to have a ton of mutual couple friends so we love to double date. Most importantly, we rarely make plans without checking in with each other.

9. Goals (Mission Statement)

One of my favorite activities we did during a session was write down our goals. We each made a list of our personal, professional, and couple goals. One of my favorite quotes is “Love is not gazing at each other but looking outward together in the same direction.” This activity serves as a map for where you want your relationship to go and the compromises (promises) you must make to get there. While your goals list can and should change quarterly or annually, your family mission statement should be the core philosophy of your lives.

At the beginning of this post, I said that I think marriage counselling before marriage saves you from couples therapy later. This doesn’t mean you should stop working on your relationship once you are one. In fact, I think it should continue! I believe you should absolutely continue to work on your marriage beyond your big day — whether it be with a marriage counsellor, one-on-one, or going on retreats. Having monthly, quarterly, or yearly check-ins with your significant other is healthy and a positive way to protect your relationship. I look forward to continuing to learn more about my husband, growing and changing together, and improving myself as a wife, friend, partner, and soon, mother of his children.

This post originally appeared on BrandiMilloy.com.

Dating Older People: How Old is Too Old?

Young woman dating an older man
There is always something appealing and refreshing about dating people your age, but sometimes in the quest for adventure, maturity or something more, many people tend to want and settle for someone more established and refined. This sudden attraction may be borne out of curiosity or pure preference.

Related: How Young is Too Young?

A lot of people have no problem with it, while many find it sick and perverted. Regardless of your own personal views, young women dating older men is a worldwide phenomenon that is gaining popularity and acceptance at an alarming rate.
‘’So what is 5 years or 10 years if it gives you happiness’’, using this excuse, people tend to avoid being judgmental and date older people.
However, this nagging question still  springs up every once in a while,
How Old is Too Old?

5 Reasons a One-Night Stand is a Bad Idea

If you don’t know what its means, a one-night stand is a single sexual encounter without an expectation of further relations between the sexual participants. This is regardless of whether a single encounter was originally intended by either participant to be a one-night stand, or whether further relations between the participants subsequently occur. Critics of the practice describe it as “sexual activity without emotional commitment or future involvement”

A one-night stand differs from casual dating in that casual dating implies a longer term interaction, whereas a one-night stand occurs only once.

The truth be told, a one-night stand is not an act that would get you applauds, and you might also regret your act by the next morning.Screen Shot 2017-03-18 at 12.25.15 PM

I’d share with you five reasons one-night stand isn’t a good idea.

1. IT’S RISKY

One-night stands are very risky, sometimes people have one night stands under the influence of alcohol, depression and so many other reasons. When you have sex under these conditions, you might not take enough preventive measures and stand a chance of getting infected with STDs or having an unwanted pregnancy; a one-night stand is a risky sex and could be harmful.

2. YOU PASS A WRONG MESSAGE

When you have a one-night stand, you pass a message of being wild and irresponsible; a one-night stand doesn’t depict morals, it shows the opposite. The guy might not have trust for the lady and the lady won’t have trust for the guy, it’s just a fling thing.

Related:

Getting Back With Your Ex: Yay or Nay ?

 

3. WOULD HARDLY TURN INTO A RELATIONSHIP

One-night stands would hardly lead to a relationship, it’s just a fling thing that might keep leading to other fling things and if care isn’t taken you might just go on with the fling thing. The fact that one-night stands won’t translate to a relationship makes it a bad idea; it’s just casual sex.

4. YOU MIGHT HATE YOURSELF THE NEXT MORNING

This is usually what goes with one night stands especially after the act was done under the influence of alcohol. Studies have shown that ladies tend to be angry with themselves the morning after, and this can make depression set in.

 

Related:

Would You Compromise Your Happiness for the Success of Your Relationship?

 

5. IT JUST MIGHT GO ROUND

Trust men to always tell each other of their sexual escapades; as a lady, you might feel the act was supposed to be a secret, but the man might just tell one or two of his friends and you know the drill, it only starts with one or two people to spread a rumour. So the act which you might not want others to know might become public news.

 

One night stands like I pointed out earlier doesn’t depict good morals; it causes more harms than good and it might just lead to depression.

 

Let us know what you think.